The problem is me

As I listen to people with good recovery, one of the things  I hear repeatedly is that they are the root problem. It's what I've decided is true for me, too.

My main problem is that I was unwilling to accept the fact that things in the world were not running the way I wanted. I essentially wanted everything to cater to me, and I could fly off the handle about almost anything. I was resentful about my parents not recognizing my depression and problems years ago, and I think that was one of the things that kicked my self centered attitudes into high gear. I wanted to feel more cared for than I did, and I directed this attitude toward almost everything. In almost every instance I felt that things should be going my way. As cliche as it is to say that I wanted to be the center of the universe, I think I sort of did.

I have friends who are big on "acceptance". What I've gotten out of this so far is the idea that I can accept the fact that God is allowing this to happen in my life, no matter what it is. Previously, I raged against the world and God on almost every issue. I should get what I want, and it shouldn't take this much effort. I refused to put in the effort some things seemed to require, because it was unreasonable that it should be so hard. Instead of dealing with life on life's terms, I demanded that I only do what I wanted. The result is that I've gotten little of what I actually wanted, and I wasted a huge chunk of life in being a self centered, lonely person.

Learning to give up my right to have things my way has been essential to getting recovery.