Ask for enough help

I was at a church group recently, and a man told a little parable he'd heard:

People walking by a well heard a voice calling from help from the bottom of the well. They asked, "How much rope do you need to get pulled out?" "About ten feet" they were told. They put down ten feet of rope, only to find that the person in the well was down 20 feet.

When we're in our disease, it's easy to imagine that we can handle the situation, or that it's not really that bad. Unfortunately, that's why so many of us have to fall so far to ask for enough help. For your sake, don't act like I did for many years and act like it's not so bad, and that just a little fine tuning will get things right. Ask God and people with experience for help, and be committed to doing what they say helped them, even if it sounds like too much. Even if it is overkill, you can learn like I'm starting to, to obey someone besides yourself, and turn to God and others for support.

We all have a tendency to let pride stand in the way of getting enough help to get well. Don't take as long as I did.

"It's MY world"

It's resonated with me again how much over many years I have regarded this as my world, accountable to me. It was full of things I found unacceptable, about which I would rage repeatedly. The fact that I couldn't control these things did not stop me from acting like it was my world, and that it should obey my whims. I continued to live with the upset and unhappiness of a world that should obey me, but wouldn't.

Releasing the world to God's control has been a major step in my growth toward serenity and contentedness. I understand that He allows many things, by many people, many of which are not OK, but I have started to let go of the subconscious attitude that I am the one who should be dictating the actions and outcomes around me. I have decided that I would rather be contented than have the delusion that I make the rules. Sometimes just reminding myself of that is enough to get me out of the rage that I feel building when something doesn't go my way.

The problem is me

As I listen to people with good recovery, one of the things  I hear repeatedly is that they are the root problem. It's what I've decided is true for me, too.

My main problem is that I was unwilling to accept the fact that things in the world were not running the way I wanted. I essentially wanted everything to cater to me, and I could fly off the handle about almost anything. I was resentful about my parents not recognizing my depression and problems years ago, and I think that was one of the things that kicked my self centered attitudes into high gear. I wanted to feel more cared for than I did, and I directed this attitude toward almost everything. In almost every instance I felt that things should be going my way. As cliche as it is to say that I wanted to be the center of the universe, I think I sort of did.

I have friends who are big on "acceptance". What I've gotten out of this so far is the idea that I can accept the fact that God is allowing this to happen in my life, no matter what it is. Previously, I raged against the world and God on almost every issue. I should get what I want, and it shouldn't take this much effort. I refused to put in the effort some things seemed to require, because it was unreasonable that it should be so hard. Instead of dealing with life on life's terms, I demanded that I only do what I wanted. The result is that I've gotten little of what I actually wanted, and I wasted a huge chunk of life in being a self centered, lonely person.

Learning to give up my right to have things my way has been essential to getting recovery.

Being safe

I don’t want to stand on cliff edges any more. I want to be safe, and sober. I don’t want to think that maybe I’ll be too tempted by what I’m doing. I don’t want to look at things that make me have tempting thoughts. I want to make absolutely sure I stay sober, not see what I can get away with. Riding the line of sobriety almost guarantees that I will cross over. You can’t ride a motorcycle at the edge of its performance without eventually crashing. I’m tired of crashing. I don’t look, listen, or talk in ways that I realize are tempting. When I get tempted or realize I’m thinking about something dangerous, I visualize handing or throwing it to God. Another good thing to do is pray for the person involved. Sometimes I visualize the temptation being fed into an incinerator chute so that it goes out of sight, and I know it will be burned up. These methods of course have to be done sincerely to make sure the temptation is given to God. If I’m not sure, I repeat the process and try to monitor my intentions. So far, this has done pretty well. I suspect it’s not really the method that’s the key, of course, but the sincerity and intentions.

I have a program friend who made the point that when he started out, he was told to give temptations to God, and he followed directions, even though he didn't mean it. His sincerity grew over time, and the prayer became effective as he said the words and followed directions.  So maybe I'm wrong about needing sincerity to start with. I think God probably honors willingness to ask for help, even when we still hang on to our problems.

Rebuking the obsession

When I got back into the program, my obsession was riding high. I would have the urge to act out or do some bad behavior very consistently. Before, I hadn’t known what to do about that. I had heard many times about “surrendering”, but I didn’t like that word, because it seemed like a defeatist word to me at the time. I did discover the power of giving the temptation to God, though. I let it go, and somehow, God seemed to take it from me. This had to happen quite a lot at first.

Here’s what worked for me. I used the story in the White Book of rebuking the obsession in the name of the author’s Higher Power. It’s not the only thing that works. Ask other people for their experience with rejecting temptation. Warning: this gets a little religious. You may want to modify as needed:

“I rebuke, refuse, reject, and deny that in the name of Jesus. I don’t accept that. It is not part of me. I am not secretly fantasizing about that, harboring it, or wishing it would come true.”

I chanted that probably 10-20 times a day for a while when I first got sober. Sometimes I said it repeatedly. I got the psychological distraction of having to remember it and the spiritual practice of giving it to God and rejecting it. I also seemed to burning out the remaining bit of obsession that previously I had allowed to linger. I think that in my previous, brief, stint of sobriety, I had allowed myself to fantasize in the back of my mind. I would reject temptation, but not completely. I would mentally walk away from it, but somehow also be saving it for some time in the future. I think killing that was one of the major advances that made lasting sobriety possible.

Take the next indicated step

I’ve taken a great phrase from a good program friend, who of course got it from someone else: “Take the next indicated step.”

What should I do next? The answer is “the next indicated step”. If you don’t know what that is, and we often don’t, ask your sponsor, or grand-sponsor. It’s probably (in no exact order):

1. Work a step
2. Write a resentment sheet
3. Pray
4. Go to a meeting
5. Call someone
6. Be accountable to someone for the day
7. Write out a gratitude list
8. Get some exercise
9. Take a short nap
10. Confess an action to someone
11. Make an amends

Don’t let the fact that you’re lost now take you away from having a better future because you can’t see it right now. Start with the right thing now and trust that God will get you to the intended place later.

Following directions

When I got back into the fellowship, my new sponsor wanted me to work the steps as he had done and his “pack” had done. I had grown up in the church, gone to churchy college, and I was not convinced I needed to go through a workbook to realize the points of Step 1 and 2. I was talked into it by some people who were nice enough to convince me instead of telling me to go along with orders or get lost. I decided to go along with the local program.

I’m not convinced I learned much from the work on Steps 1 and 2, and I didn’t feel any differently after taking Step 3. I think now, though, that they were important things to do, not because I needed the intellectual input, but because going along with what had worked for others was an action of willingness. I was able to (sort of) put aside my will and follow directions. It was beginning practice in setting aside what I want and making a practice of doing what I need to even if I don’t particularly feel like it. That has been key in my being able to get better in a lot of areas.

It's a Step program

There are some people who call me about recovery, and we talk sometimes for quite a while. A few of these I’m concerned for, though. I’ve made the point to them that “it’s a step program, not a phone call or meeting program.” Everything else is subordinate to the idea of doing and meaning the steps. The steps are designed to give a person like me a spiritual experience I didn’t know how to have on my own. The 12 Steps and a good sponsor will take me through to a new place in life, where I’m hugely more self aware, I’ve mended fences, and I have tools to move on in life and deal with life on life’s terms. Until then, I will probably try to run the world around me.

I didn’t get into actually doing the steps for a while. I wanted some feel-good meetings to somehow be enough to change my life. I wasn’t doing anything much different otherwise, but that’s the point. I didn’t want to do anything differently, I just wanted different results. If the actions you’re taking aren’t getting you the results you want, ask for help from someone who has what you want.

Run with the pack

One phrase that’s been sticking with me lately is “run with the pack”. This means that I should be doing what the rest of the successful people are doing. “Stick with the winners.” People with good recovery probably have some idea of how to get good recovery. At the very least, stick with people who are genuinely trying to work the steps and connect with God. Trying to hang on the edge and do as little as possible is my old pattern, and one I’m still having to work out of. I guess I’ll have to ask for and accept willingness to give God my isolation and tendency to view dealing with people as too hard and annoying. These are things that have kept me down for too long.

Deciding to be actually happy

When I have really decided to take willingness to be happy and well adjusted, I can let go of the methods I was using, which obviously weren’t working. I have to be willing to admit fault, work on myself, work the steps, and take the actions needed to make spiritual progress. Then I can start to be the kind of person I want to be, and have the kind of life I want.

Becoming a new creature

I discovered I was actually fearful of God changing me into a different person, as much as I said I wanted that and didn’t like so many of the things about myself. I think I was fearful that I wouldn’t know how to be that person, because I’ve never been well adjusted and happy before. I’ve always been a griper and complainer. What else would I do? Then I thought, “God has been so effective at getting me things I need when I’ve been willing to take the next indicated step and follow His will, I’ll bet there’s a way to fix this.” I think the fixing involves the fact that I’m starting to feel more like an adult, and not a kid imposter. That’s in large part because I’m starting to have adult attitudes and actions, instead of running away from everything. Instead of having to fake self-esteem, I’m starting to get it, not from some training meant to manufacture it, but from actually being a better person. There’s power from God to accept the new person I’m becoming.

God wants to take my unhappiness

There is willingness for more than just behaviors. I discovered that I was holding on to my unhappiness, my grumpiness. I’m not sure why: maybe it was just all I knew in recent years, maybe allowing myself joy seemed like turning off my mind and not seeing reality. I had a mental vision of myself actually grasping my unhappiness with my hand, gripping it tightly. It struck me how backwards that was. I’ve asked God to give me the willingness to be happy and let go of the need to criticize everything around me and concentrate that things and people weren’t behaving as I wanted. It’s starting to work. When I feel myself staying grumpy, I try to give that to God to have and take from me.

Willingness is available

I’ve decided that willingness is available to me for whatever needs to be fixed in my life. I have been able to sense it at times recently as almost physically present in front of me, waiting to be taken. Lately, when I’ve noticed something that  need to do, but don’t really want to, I am reminded that God is offering me willingness if I will let go of my need to run my world an act like I’m the Person in control. I was too stubborn to want to be willing. I didn’t truly want to let go of the things I liked to do and my addictions until my pain got to a level that I considered truly unmanageable.

Willingness

With the recent experience I’ve had with letting things go to God, I got the thought that I had willingness at hand. It was available if I would take it. I wasn’t entirely thrilled about changing my behavior, though. Then it occurred to me that God was also probably willing to make me happy about this new situation. I didn’t have to be grumpy about it if I didn’t want to. I conceded that I would rather be happy about it, and became willing to be moved in the right direction. God has not taken my free will, but He has helped me make a different decision. I don’t think I could have actually done it on my own.

Praying for others

I think that praying for others is a way to connect with others and get out of myself. I have been taught that I have spent most of my life focused on me. Praying for others turns my attention away from myself and allows me to be of service and show willingness to do something besides wish for better things for myself.

Selfcenterdness and rebellion

I have discovered that my rebelliousness can even extend to flossing like the dentist told me to. I think that it shouldn’t be this much work to maintain things, so even though it’s very little trouble, I start to tell myself that I’m not going to all that work because I shouldn’t have to; I’m too good for that. The world owes me more than that. I can be pretty petty.

Attracting newcomers

To attract the newcomer, instead of pushing him to come to meetings and work with a sponsor, I need to present a changed person who has what he wants. I can hand him all the tools for recovery that exist, but unless he sees them as effective, he probably won’t choose them. Even then, he has to be uncomfortable enough with his current situation to want to make that big a change. Many people aren’t.